Had a VERY down day yesterday. I just wanted to pack up and go home. I miss my kids, my dog, my routine, my coffee, the woods, my friends, my exercise, my everything. Sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, and I am!
My teachers have taught me that these are times during which we grow the most. I guess they are right, but it feels awful and I want it to be over, right now.
I am up against myself. There is nowhere to hide, no escape route, no way to soothe myself. I am facing that incredible discomfort that comes with movement, stillness, questioning, evaluating, yes oppositional behaviors and mind games. There is no chocolate, ice cream, exercise, movie, tv, car ride, internet, or shopping I can do to evade my situation or feelings. I am in Malawi in a little house with no entertainment except me!
One of my fav teachers, Christina Brannock, delivered such eloquent, emotional lessons characterizing this place in life as breaking open . She illustrated the process in which God, our circumstances, the universe delivers us a life event or experience during which our entire way of being, our heart and soul is vulnerable and exposed, stripped of our comfortable customs and security. Our spirits, our hearts are broken wide open. We can then choose to walk through the discomfort and experience all of it or ignore and push it aside as we become increasingly distressed and uncomfortable. We never know what door will open on the other side if we can walk through the discomfort.
Safe to say, I am in that state and I am a squirming, irritable mess! Yet as I begged God to help me get through this and began to meditate I became aware of the sensation of energy returning and my enthusiasm to write this blog emerged. My hands began to tingle, my heart chakra surged with an openness and energy and thoughts about writing came easily into my awareness. Grateful for the renewal, I ended the meditation and broke out the keyboard, eager to write.
I am confident that I am not through it yet, not by a longshot, but grateful for the hiatus and relief from my pain for the moment. Having absolutely no idea where this journey will take me is a complete act of faith and confidence that God has put me right where I should be, even though I don t like it or understand it right now. At times finding that faith and positive attitude is so damn hard.
I am just trying to get through the day. Sometimes it is an hour by hour process just to stay focused on being in the moment and to experience the goodness, the beauty, the life around me. Sometimes I just don t want to; I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and zone out. So I do, and that s OK.
Friday is a big day here on campus. Malawi President Mutharika will be on campus to attend graduation. This is a very big deal, and they have to basically drive right by my house to get to the soccer field where the event will occur. I am looking forward to witnessing the happy celebration and see how they do it, Malawi style. Then, I have an incredible getaway planned for myself. So stay tuned more to follow.
Thanks to all of you for your support for my experience here in Malawi and for reading and commenting on my blog! It means a lot to me and is very comforting.
2 thoughts on “BREAKING OPEN”
You know, you are amazing! You may be looking at a lonely landscape but the depth of your self reflection is a beacon of light coming out to reach all of us. It is in the darkness we learn. Yes the darkness sucks but finding the path is when the light is seen ahead. It will not be long till you find it. Being in the light is easy especially when you are walking with others. Walking in the dark has it’s own rewards that lead you to a new understanding. There is a quote from Rilke that I love that goes:
“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they
were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be
able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.”
I’m willing to walk with you as are others. Maybe not on the physical landscape but in the one you are painting.
I’m so sorry to have missed your last posting. I was prepping for the god awful “colonoscopy while phone calling my representatives to be in favor of the Iran Peace deal and on top of that these are the weeks for my ceramic firing and I’ve been doing a lot of driving. Dealing with politics is not comfortable to me. I know the deal isn’t the best but I feel we owe it to our children to try hard and give them a working relationship with peace. Peace will not happen with this deal. It will be hard work but it is a path that can try and level the road for our children.
I guess on the last posting I really didn’t want to know if there was a one legged bird that they had for lunch.
Thinking of you and watching you work out what your soul is going through makes looking at hard roads easier for me. I’m coming to realize how easy it is for a white male in america to think nothing of fear. We have everything. Now I’m starting to look at everything differently. It truly amazes me what you are doing. You are stronger than you think and stronger than 99% of the people who talk about what they have done. That includes myself. And the talent you have is what your students need.
Mindy, even in our 60’s there can be an awakening. It is a joy when we see them. They mean a lot. We are never done working or walking our path especially if we keep our eyes wide open. Here’s to your next 11 months or the next few decades. You are amazing. Trust in yourself, trust in your spirit. It is quite bright from where I stand.
Oh I forgot. Great picture of your father. I know he and your mother gave you that heart.